Pirates- the porn with everything except sex
I thought I'd start the weekend off with a porn review. The lucky movie this week is the old-news, but everlasting in its amusement value porn "Pirates." Yes, pirates. The one next to "Pirates of the Caribbean" at Blockbuster that who knows how many parents have unwittingly rented for their kiddies. I can see it now...
"Mommy, where's Johnny Depp?"
"Hm?"
*parent turns around*
"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!"
Oh yeah. Review. Getting back to that...
This film has everything you need for a slightly inebriated night with your friends (hey, maybe even a girl if you're lucky) full of laughs, amazement and not remembering what happened after that second bottle of jager. I should stress that this "porn" really isn't very good at the whole sex bit. The plot is at the same level of our all-amusing friend Oz when he hasn't slept and is downloading things that we all know will rape his eyeballs and innocent mind.
(I think she means the 1978 version of Battlestar Galactica. It's horrible. -Oz)(don't say I didn't warn you loudly and assuredly that you'd regret it- Amy)
The women are smokin' hot, and, at least one of them, natural (!!!), I'm fairly certain theres entire scenes written entirely in prose (and for those who aren't as Shakespeare savvy as Gregor and I, when I say prose, I mean iambic pentameter), and there's skeletons. Yes, that's right, skeletons. They have nothing to do with the plot, but as far as I can tell, they make the movie 100% better.
A word of advice: make sure you don't get the R rated version. If "Pirates" the porno lacks sufficient quantity (meaning there's a plot instead of all sex) nudity, you won't get more with a decreased rating.
So, overall, my summary:
GRADE: B-
acting: C-
script: B (okay, I'm a sucker for prose)
hot chicks: A
sex: D
awesome factor: A
Look for your next porn review just as soon as I find one worth writing about.
Amy out.
4 comments:
Zoeys brother rented it and we watched a couple minutes of it. Yeah its pretty much movie rip-off softcore porn. The chick I saw was hot though :O
Amy, your ability to spout absolute crap without making a point never ceases to amaze. Your review was uninformative at best, and I'm not sure you realize what the word prose means. Please google define: it and figure this out, as it is really just anything written that isn't a poem, i.e. every other movie ever. Saying that you love prose makes you soudn even dumber, and I hope you die in a car fire.
Good sir, posting under the name "anonymous"-
I hope you realize the purpose of my writing of reviews is to rate the quality of the film, not to inform someone they must see it or give away the plot. I also strive to be amusing, and occasionally that does mean spouting crap. You are correct in that I used prose in a lose sense, when I should have been more specific in my word choice. Obviously you have passed English, for you are aware of the actual definition of the word.
As for the car fire, I regret to inform you that I am all booked up on ways I need to die for the next few decades, and hope to achieve every over-sexed humans dream: death by too much orgasm. Wish me luck. I wish I could appease your request, but I simply don't have the time or resources.
Amy
Technically, cumming to death is impossiblr. You could die of sexual dehydration though, which is basically the same thing.
I'm pretty sure that your nerves down there would be deadened long before that, though.
Hooray science!
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